San Francisco: Been There Done That

With only two days remaining until the end of our travels, we finished our 2-week expedition of the Pacific Northwest with a visit to my sister Gayle in San Francisco (technically located in the “Pacific West”). As both Julie and I had taken previous trips out to “The Bay” in the past, we spent the majority of our 48 hours partaking in some severely half-assed sight-seeing, as “just-wanna-go-home” mode had started creeping up on us. I leave you with highlights:

Driving in Traffic – Although no guidebook refers to the wonders and amazement of “Bay Traffic,” we decided to spend almost 1/3 of our time in San Francisco experiencing just that. From the never-ending left-turn lanes backed up for miles, to the endless and unavoidable toll booths charging a minimum 3 weeks salary to leave this perma-traffic-jam-of-a-city, the only thing San Franciscans appear to enjoy more than spending every waking minute in traffic is spending over $100/square inch for their apartments. The time spent creeping along in Gayle’s Civic did, however, provide some much-needed sibling catch-up time, which made it all… worth….while. Awwwwww says the collective Mother readers.

Wine Tasting in Napa/Sonoma Valley – With my previous “California wine country” experience involving a romantic trip for Brett Crandall and myself to Dale Earnhardt’s winery, I figured second time around would not be difficult to outdo. Replacing Brett with Julie, and Dale Earnhardt with several non-Nascar-based-wineries, the end result was a much less trashy, yet unfortunately quite equally-disappointing experience. With over-priced tastings for under-whelming wines (I’m a connoisseur if you did not know), we decided that our tiny winery in Hood River, Oregon put both valleys of Napa and Sonoma to shame. The one beacon of entertainment during our day, however, was the pair of unbelievable inebriated girls professing their love to their limo driver. He looked happy, as in the “I’m-about-to-get-laid” type of happy.

“The Full House Experience” – While this could-be-amazing tour disappointedly does not exist, we did manage to create our own version. I leave you with the summary of our experience:

- Included: Visit to “The Painted Sisters.” That’s it.

- Excluded: Dreamy-Oh-God-So-Dreamy John Stamos, Funny-Until-The-Age-of-8-and-Then-Kinda-Annoying Dave Coulier, Never-Ended-Up-Being-As-Hot-As-Expected Olsen Twins, Bob-F-Bomb-Dropping-Saget and of course Kimmy Gibbler. Oh Kimmy how I wish we could have experienced your crazy crazy antics.

Haight Street – Marijuana Stores, Weed Stores, "Herbal Supplement Stores," and a few thrift shops for those non-Cannabis-inspired individuals.

Gayle's Birthday - I was there. I am a good brother.

Onto the pics:

	San Francisco - Not the sunniest city in the world
	Taking a small jaunt down to Lands End (which apparently is more than just a clothing store)
	"The Painted Ladies" or more commonly known as "The Home of Danny Tanner, John Stamos, The Olson Twins and that one guy who was good at imitations."
	Me and Julie (just in case you forgot)
	Some fine looking ladies...
	Haight Street definitely gives Austin a run for it's money when it comes to weirdness
	This guy is definitely having a good day
	Wine Tasting during a fairly disappointing day trip out to Sonoma/Napa
	Google "Which is better Sonoma or Napa" and this sign will provide you with a very enjoyable "hardy har har"
	Napa Valley - A very solid "eh" rating
	Ending the trip with my first ever In N Out Burger. Should have ordered it Animal Style!

Yosemite National Park: Julie Finds Her Inner Mountain Goat

With the end of our trip gradually nearing, and the departure from urban areas continuously progressing, we resumed our ascent into “nature” (i.e. Julie’s definition of any location encompassed by “outsideness”), arriving into one of the most famous, and overly-populated National Parks in America – Yosemite. With an average of 18,000 daily visitors during the month of July, our arrival to Yosemite during peak season seemed less like an adventure into nature, and more like a trip to the largest open-aired theme park in America. Thankfully at this theme park, the majority of “rides” involve an incline hike of 1 mile or greater, leaving approximately 90% of “parking lot tourists” gasping for breath behind (and thus opening up the other 99% of the park to relative isolation and serenity). I leave you with the highlights of our 2-night, 3-day journey:

Preparedly Unprepared – With a 45 minute Target shopping spree providing all the last-minute necessities required for our camping adventure (food, water, stolen ketchup packets from the food court), we were quite confident in the overall preparedness of our expedition. However, upon arrival, we soon learned that our notion of “camping preparation” is quite different than that of the countless RV-driving tourists of America:

- Julie and Mark’s Camping Checklist = 2-person tent, sleeping pads, sleeping bags, Styrofoam cooler and 2 $9.99 camping chairs (considered quite the “indulgence” at the time of purchase)

- Average R.V. Camping Checklist = 8-12 person R.V., 12-16 person meal tent, 8-10 person “other-non-sleeping-non-eating-not-really-sure-its-use” tent, and approximately 3-7 items from EVERY aisle in Target (w/the “floating toy section” receiving an additional 10-15 additional articles)

Thus, while Satellite TV’s and other extravagances were enjoyed by all those around us, we took pleasure in one of the few fire-based meals, with our burgers & steaks putting to shame any of the buckets of Walmart potato salad seen throughout the campground.

Mist Trail Hike (Going Up) – As one of the most famous, as well as notoriously difficult hikes within the park, the 10 mile round-trip journey to the top of Nevada Falls marked Julie’s preliminary introduction into the world of hiking. Now, while we have experienced numerous “nature walks” within the confines of Austin, none encompassed a 1,900 foot gain in elevation, a staircase literally cut into the side of the mountain, as well as multiple jaw-dropping waterfalls (the water fountain at Taco Deli comes just shy of this categorization). Nonetheless, sporting her newly broken-in hiking shoes, a brand new Camelbak (complete with straight-from-the-factory-plastic-flavored water) and a pair of slightly-worn yoga pants (need a little more work on the hiking attire), Julie was ready to partake on the “strenuous-not-to-be-completed-by-beginners” hike to the top. Utilizing the Swahili notion of “pole, pole” (slow, slow), we maintained a gradual and consistent pace all the way up to the 5,900FT summit, leaving other non-Africa-style-hikers in our dust (well, whatever dust can be generated walking at 1.5 MPH). Total journey time = 2 hours, 45 minutes.

Mist Trail Hike (Coming Down) – With a small tree root sending a then, not-as-nimble Julie, flailing to the ground only months prior, I was a bit worried about how she would fare on the 5 mile hike down – Inclusive of countless steps, boulders and skrees (look it up, I’m technical). Yet, all my hesitation was put aside, as I witnessed possibly the most unexpected sight I could have ever imagined: Julie running down the mountain (for those of you who know her, please take a moment to compose yourselves). Apparently concealing an internal mountain goat over the years, I was almost in shock as I watched her hop & trot down the fairly steep and treacherous slope with the utmost of ease. To say the least, I was quite proud. Total journey time = 1 hour, 15 minutes. Next stop: Everest.

Other Highlights –

• Mariposa Grove – Home to endless Giant Sequoias, and countless humans in an upward-staring position
• Yosemite Falls – Tallest waterfall in the US, and the best superlative within the park (thanks to Brett for the verbage)
• Fat Squirrels – Thanks mostly to fat humans and their disregard for signs
• Half Dome – Constantly mocking me in every background image, I will climb you damnit. Yes I will.
• Floating Toys – Did I mention these already? Cause they were everywhere.

Onto the pics:

	Taking a break from our 30th straight game of "Twenty Questions"
	Tunnel View - One of the many shots where we look like we have been photoshopped onto a postcard
	Merced River with Yosemite Falls in the background (for those of you with superhuman vision)
	I'm pretty sure human food has the exact same effect on humans
	Our campsite at North Pines... complete with bear-proof food locker, fire pit and enough room to fit an RV, a trailer and a family of 27 (which are adjoining neighbors took full advantage of)
	Commencing the "strenuous, not for first-timers" Mist Trail hike
	Stairs to the top of Vernal Falls... definitely need to work on perspective in my pictures
	Vernal Falls - Quite Vernally
	Squee-rells
	Approaching the top of Nevada Falls
	Strenuous Hike #1 - Cheeeeck
	Probably my favorite view in Yosemite
	And somebody has found their inner mountain goat
	Julie extremely happy to be done with the hike, rewarding a tree with a solid hug
	"Dirty Leg Warmers" - Hipsters around the world are already taking orders
	View over Yosemite Valley from Glacier Point (this photo is in dire need of some photoshop work -- damn you hazy day!)
	As is this one
	"Grizzly Giant" - One damn big Sequoia tree
	The aftermath of the good ole days where nature could be destroyed in the pursuit of tourism. If only we had Julie's Fiat...
	Me strong

Oregon: The Home of Measles, Snakebite, Dysentery, Typhoid, Cholera and Exhaustion

Date: July 17, 2012
Weather: Warm
Health: Fair
Food: 6 pounds
Next Landmark: 13 miles
Miles Traveled: 395 miles

While my pleas to rent a wagon and travel along the infamous Oregon Trail fell on deaf ears, our time in the unpronounceable state of Oregon (is it Ginn or Gone?), brought back great memories of one of my favorite childhood games -- A game that not only taught long-lasting life lessons (immaturity + tombstone epitaphs = hilarity), but also stressed the importance of ferries and their ability to cross rivers of relatively strong flow (despite having to pay $5 and wait 6 days). I leave you with some examples of my reminiscence:

FOOD:
- Oregon Trail = Hunting 7,200 pounds of meat, only to learn that a mere 5 can be carried back to your wagon.
- Oregon Non-Trail = Less killing, more food trailers. Most of it can be carried back to your wagon/car.

SAFETY:
- Oregon Trail = Being deprived during the night of 2 oxen, 5 sets of clothing, 83 bullets, 1 wagon wheel, 2 wagon axles, 1 wagon tongue (whatever the hell that is) and of course 36 pounds of food
- Oregon Non-Trail = Less thievery, more harassment for change by one of the many imitation hipster homeless people in Portland (more on them to come)

FRIENDS:
- Oregon Trail = Companions such as “Poop” and “Butt,” constantly wandering off during the night delaying your progress, only to succumb to diseases that were way more fun than our 21st century ones.
- Oregon Non-Trail = More normal named friends such as "Jason" (met in Vietnam during my Mekong Delta Tour) and "Brett" (met in Ann arbor since every AA Jew knows one another).

Well, at least I enjoyed writing that intro. Onto the highlights:

Portland – Constantly compared to Austin thanks to its quirky and eccentric ways, Portland unfortunately did not provide the overall impression for which we had initially hoped. Despite possessing endless food trailers of every culinary possibility, and a wide array of unusual and peculiar stores, it was nearly impossible to avoid what can only be described as the “hoards of wanna-be homeless hipsters.” While many were neither homeless nor truly hipster (sleeping bags on the sidewalk are SO not ironic), they nevertheless seemed to be on every corner and every bus stop, constantly begging for passageway to the nearest easily-walkable location. While the city did give off a very “liveable” impression, I think I’m going to have pass on 177 days of rain in favor of 70+ days of 100+ degree summer days.

Kennedy School – Part of the infamous McMenamins chain – a business which has restored dozens of old and abandoned buildings into pubs, movie theaters & hotels, the Kennedy Elementary School was a combination of them all, and a nice change of pace away from the acid-inspired décor of previous lodging establishments. Originally built in the early 1900s, the Kennedy School was taken over by McMenamins, and converted into what can only be described as Disney World for Teachers (and that would be your history lesson for the day). Classrooms transformed into bedrooms, inclusive of original chalkboards and cloakrooms (still not really sure what a cloakroom is). Large public rooms such as the gymnasium, auditorium and cafeteria converted into a dance hall, movie theater and an upscale restaurant. And then of course all the remaining rooms (i.e. janitors closets) filled with variously-themed bars. Oh yes, and there was a brewery too. Cause why the hell not?

Columbia River Gorge – Home to the 2nd tallest waterfall in the U.S., and over a dozen other less-record-friendly-yet-no-less-amazing-falls-of-water (damn you waterfall for having no synonyms), the Columbia River Gorge was the perfect detour on our way from Portland to Bend. Not only did this 20-mile stretch of land include an endless array of amazing natural phenomena, it also encompassed several handfuls of wineries & breweries. Nature + Alcohol = Mucho Bueno.

Bend – Imagine a warmer and less mountainous Aspen, take away the hordes of Lambourgini-driving, Samsonite-bag-carrying elitists, and instead throw in about 75,000 people obsessed with every possible form of exercise. And that would be Bend. We liked it. We liked it a lot.

Cascade Lakes – They were blue and cold. Please see photos for proof of blueness (coldness is much harder to depict visually).

Onto the pics:

	Portland definitely loves their food trailers. Too bad they had to steal the idea from a much better city (cough Austin cough)
	Powell City of Books - The largest independent bookstore in the US. Considering it required a map to navigate, I'd agree that it is a sizeable operation
	Continuing on with our Microbrew Tour of the Pacific NW. Next stop: Deschutes Brewing
	And those would be waffles served out of the side of a building. Touche Portland. Touche.
	"Oh no, the picture is perfect. You framed it perfectly. Thank you random stranger with zero photo-taking abilities."
	Kennedy School - Home of Everything
	Our bedroom with its very own chalkboard
	Was kinda disappointed there were no sawdust piles laying around... especially considering the number of bars in nearby hallways
	"Detention Bar" - Not sure this concept will be hitting elementary schools anytime soon
	I remember struggling to reach these badboys back at Burns Park. Thank god for that 8" growth spurt!
	Checking out some waterfalls at the Columbia River Gorge
	Multnomah Falls - The 2nd tallest waterfall in the U.S. Check!
	My mini-adventure for the day - Hiking through freezing cold water in a slot canyon. I soon learned that water that goes up to everyones armpits goes well above my neck (not a fun feeling let me tell you)
	Was definitely worth the temporary heart failure
	Warming up with some Oregon-style wine tasting
	And then back to the beer
	Full Sail Brewery Tour - Probably one of the best tours I have ever taken (most likely due to the free pint glass provided at the end)
	Stopping off at Mt Hood on our way to Bend. And yes, that would be snow on a 77 degree day. Gotta love global warming!
	One of the many Cascade Lakes around Bend
	And another one - Crater Lake. This one is the deepest in the U.S. Gotta love those checks!